With You
by Neverhere
Summary: Duo's finally had enough, and his mask slips enough for the other pilots to see... (Songfic)


*Title: With You (Song[s]fic)  
*Author: Neverhere  
*Rated: 12   
*Pairings: 1+2 (not much of, sadly), 3+4  
*Warnings: Angst, weirdness, crying, too many songs in one song fic (don't blame me, blame my   
muse Teacup)  
*Disclaimers: I do not own the GW boys. I do not own the GW boys. I do not own the GW boys.   
I do however own the Linkin Park album, but sadly, not the songs on it. They own them, the lucky   
sods.   
  
//blurb// - song lyrics   
~~blurb~~ - Heero thoughts   
##Blurb## - Duo thoughts   
{{blurb}} - memories  
blurb - email  
  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
  
  
  
//Why does it feel like night today?  
Something in here's not right today  
Why am I so uptight today?  
Paranoia's all I got left  
I don't know what stressed me first   
Or how the pressure was fed// - **Papercut**  
  
  
Heero knew something was up. His fingers whizzed over the computer keys, typing up the report   
on the most recent mission for Dr. J, but his mind was racing elsehwere. What was so different?   
He shifted in his chair, easing his shoulders back in a small circular motion to rid himself of the   
tension that had seized up the muscles along his shoulders. He must have been typing for a long   
time to have such a bad ache. He'd sat down to type at exactly 9.05am, right after getting up and   
having a shower, after making some coffee and having breakfast (for him, a piece of toast with   
marmalade, now that they were finally staying at a decent place - Quatre's lovely mansion). Wufei   
had been up before him, as usual, and practising his his martial arts (or something similar) outside   
in the early morning sunlight. He had come in when he saw Heero was awake and the two of them   
had exchanged the usual 'Good morning'. Nothing different. Nothing different about Trowa and   
Quatre's arrival together, hair still mussed up from bed, grinning happily.  
  
~~Ahh,~~ Heero mused, ~~Duo. Duo's what's different.~~  
  
Thinking about it, he hadn't seen Duo all day. He'd heard him singing in his shower as he had   
walked back to his room, and heard his enthusiastic greeting from upstairs (audible because it   
had had the added 'ITAI!' exclamation, as per usual, thanks to Wufei's perfect braid-tugging t  
echnique). But hadn't seen him. Shouldn't Duo be bugging him about now? Trying to draw him   
into a conversation? Asking about his laptop, a mission, his report? No, he wasn't. It had Heero   
slightly worried. Why was he worried? There was something he didn't know.  
  
He looked at the last line of what he'd written.  
  
The Deathscythe destroyed the  
last three Mobile Dolls using the   
and where the fuck is he anyway?  
  
He frowned. So that was how much he was concentrating. He checked the time; nearly midday.   
Almost three hours of continiuous typing. It was, he realised, not so good for him. He could work   
at this thing until evening, but now, his concentration was shot. Without being annoyed by Duo, it   
seemed, he couldn't concentrate.  
  
Weird.  
  
Getting to his feet, Heero walked out of his room, leaving the laptop behind for now. If Duo had   
been there, he would have been pleased.  
  
  
  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
  
  
//In the memory you'll find me  
Eyes burning up  
The darkness holding me tightly  
Until the sun rises up// - **Forgotten**  
  
  
Duo sat hunched up in the cockpit of the Deathscythe, his arms wrapped around his knees,   
hugging them to his chest, as he sat reminiscing. His eyes were sore, his back ached and his   
face was salty and blotchy, but he ignored it all. He was thinking and remembering.  
  
//Pollution manifested in perpetual sound//  
  
  
{{"Hey guys! What's up? Hey Trowa, Quatre, Wufei - hey! Wufei! Whatcha reading? Lemmee   
see! Newspaper? What's the headlines? Oh, let me see - ITAI!! Not the braid! OWW!"  
"Will you SHUT UP Maxwell! Let me read!"  
"Oof, fine, whatever, just curious! Sheesh! Can I have my hair back now please?"}}  
  
Duo's breath choked out in sobs.  
  
##Uselessuselessuselessuseless!##  
##Fucking idiot!##  
##Chatterbox. Junk brain. Motormouth##  
##USELESS##  
  
{{"Hey, Heero, whatcha writing?"  
"Leave me alone, Maxwell."  
"Pleeeeaase, Heero! I'm bored! Hey, can I write something?"  
"No. Go away."}}  
  
  
##You never shut up, you stupid idiot. You're just annoying. You piss them all off##  
  
His arms tightened around his knees.  
  
##So many times they tell you to go away or shut up or piss off and you don't you hang around   
you stupid fucker they don't want you##  
##They don't want you##  
  
He squeezed his eyes shut, blocking more images from his brain, feeling more tears slide down   
his already wet cheeks. There was a dull ache right in the middle of his chest.  
  
##You even piss off Heero. He wanted you to go away. He /wants/ you to go##  
  
The ache flared. It hurt. He crumpled up, hugging himself into a tighter ball, feeling his tears seep   
into his jeans. Strands of hair were stuck to his face with the salty water. He felt hot and sweaty,   
but inside he felt cold. So cold. The sort of cold you only ever are when you're alone and crave   
someone. The only someone Duo wanted right then had told him to go away.  
  
##Heeroheeroheeropleaseheeroheeroheero##  
##He doesn't want YOU##  
  
Images of Heero flashed through his mind. Sitting at his computer, reading, writing, talking to   
Trowa, fixing his Gundam...  
  
Still trying to block the images and thoughts from his mind, striving to ignore that awful voice that   
jeered inside his head, Duo fell asleep.  
  
  
  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
  
  
//Time is a valuble thing  
Watch it fly by as the pendulum swings  
Watch it count down to the end of the day  
The clock ticks life away// - **In the end**  
  
  
"Have any of you seen Duo?"  
  
Wufei and Quatre looked up in mutual surprise.  
  
"Why, isn't he in there irritating you as usual?" Wufei asked, visibly confused.   
  
The four of them were in the dining room, Trowa listening to his Discman as Quatre and Wufei   
talked about various things. It was nearly 2pm, and Heero was getting anxious. Duo wasn't   
anywhere in Quatre's beautiful old house. Gradually, as he had searched, Heero had begun   
getting awful thoughts of Duo getting kidnapped or falling and breaking his neck.  
  
"That's just it," Heero sighed. "He isn't. I can't find him anywhere."  
  
"What do you need him for?" Quatre asked.  
  
"Nothing. It's just he's usually there annoying me and he isn't today."  
  
Quatre poked Trowa's shoulder, who promptly removed his earphones. Even across the room   
Heero could hear the loud music of Linkin Park blaring from those earphones, and he decided   
Trowa must have pretty painful ears from listening to it that loud.  
  
"Have you seen Duo?" Quatre asked him, leaning on his lover's shoulder and smiling down at him.  
  
Trowa, however, frowned.  
  
"I thought I saw him head off for the Gundams after breakfast. He must have gone to do some   
repairs on the Deathscythe."  
  
"That must be it," Heero said.  
  
  
  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
  
  
//Then with the eyes tightly shut / looking  
Through the rust and rot  
And dust / a spot of light hits the floor  
And pours over the rusted world of pretend  
The eyes ease open and it's dark again// - **Forgotten**  
  
  
The dream was beautiful. Heero sitting with him on the warm, deserted beach, his arms around   
his waist as the sun sank into the horizon. So peaceful - no war, no OZ, no Relena, nothing.   
Just him and Heero. The sky was the exact colour of Heero's eyes.  
  
Of course, when he woke up, Duo found himself still huddled up in the cockpit of his Gundam,   
dried tear streaks down his face and his hair a mess. Far from any deserted beach with the   
blue-eyed pilot beside him.  
  
"Oh crap!" Duo muttered, struggling to his feet and ignoring his aching back, arms, legs, neck,   
head... his whole body was one achy mess.  
  
Slowly, the Deathscythe pilot got himself out of his Gundam and disappeared into the small   
bathroom that was sectioned off from the main hangar where all the Gundams were stored. The   
mere sight of Wing Zero made his heart clench. In the bathroom he splashed his face repeatedly,   
washing the dried salty tears he saw in the mirror away and unbraiding his hair to brush it through,   
re-braiding it carefully afterwards. He went through the bathroom looking for some paracetamol,   
finally finding a bottle and emptying two pills into his hand.  
  
He paused.  
  
##Too easy, chicken##  
##At least die in battle##  
##It's what Heero would do##  
  
Duo swallowed the two pills with a few handfuls of water, feeling that empty hole inside his chest   
ache again.   
  
##Ahh, but Heero doesn't care##  
  
"Don't cry," he told his reflection in the mirror fiercely. "Don't you fucking cry again!"  
  
His hands clenched around the sides of the bowl with the effort to stay calm, his knuckles white   
under his skin. He bit his lip.  
  
##Heero never cared##  
##Why hang around?##  
##There's a war to fight##  
##They don't really need you though##  
  
"FINE!"  
  
  
  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
  
  
//There's something inside me that pulls beneath the surface  
Consuming / confusing  
This lack of self-control I fear is never ending  
Controlling / I can't seem  
To find myself again// - **Crawling**  
  
  
Heero saw Duo right away, lying upside down up on a platform next to his Gundam, twisting   
something on the inside of the the Gundam's heavy armour.  
  
"Duo, you ok?"  
  
"Yeah!" was the irritable answer.  
  
~~That does not sound like Duo's fine...~~  
  
"Sure?"  
  
"I'm fine. Fuck off."  
  
~~Definitely not...~~  
  
"I hate to say this, but I don't believe you."  
  
"Believe shit, Heero Yuy!"  
  
Heero sighed.  
  
"I do already," he muttered to himself. "Duo, will you stop acting like a complete baka and get   
down here?"  
  
"Can't you take a fucking hint, 01? I want to be left alone!"  
  
"Well, I'm not leaving, so stuff that. Get down here NOW!"  
  
"Fine, fine," Duo muttered, and then his voice fell into insulting mumbling.  
  
As he climbed down, Heero noticed Duo stumbling. The other boy looked dull-eyed and flushed,   
as if he'd been exerting himself. As he raised a hand to draw his bangs out of his eyes, Heero   
saw the white bandage around his hand that was peppered with red crimson spots.  
  
"You aren't fine," Heero said. "You don't look it. What happened to your hand?"  
  
"Yeah, well, you're looking lovely yourself this afternoon. I cut my hand fixing the damned   
Gundam. What do you care?"  
  
Heero could feel a thumping headache coming on.  
  
"I need some paracetamol," he muttered. He walked to the bathroom, where he'd stored the   
paracetamol he'd bought the last time he'd had a bad headache. "You're not fine, Duo. You look   
sick."  
  
"You have no idea," Duo sighed, and Heero could tell from his voice that he was smirking.  
  
Frowning, Heero turned to look at him just as he reached the bathroom door. He didn't try to   
understand what Duo meant because, as he turned around, he was greeted with a million slithers   
of shattered glass. The glittering fragments filled the sink, small silver spikes and daggers that   
collected around the plughole. Some had small droplets of red around them, and blood still wet   
on the sides of the sink. Right on top of it all was the small squat brown shape of a paracetamol   
bottle, the lid balancing precariously on the edge of the sink.  
  
//Against my will I stand beside my own reflection//  
  
Heero raised his head slowly, the bottle in his hand, looking at the jagged black hole where the   
mirror would have reflected his face right back at him. He would have seen the look of horror then,   
the horror that suddenly made him feel so sick and that seized his heart. He stared down at the   
bottle.  
  
It was empty.  
  
//I tried so hard  
And got so far  
But in the end  
It doesn't even matter  
I had to fall   
To lose it all  
But in the end  
It doesn't even matter// - **In the end**  
  
  
  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
  
  
//But everybody has a face that they hold inside  
A face that awakes when they close their eyes  
A face that watches every time they lie  
A face that laughs every time they fall  
[And watches everything]// - **Papercut**  
  
  
Quatre knew the moment Heero found the empty bottle of pills because at the exact same time   
he felt overwhelmingly sick. Before he could even understand what was wrong he staggered   
against a wall, leaning back against it, feeling his heart beating so fast and his lungs grasping for   
air. His head felt heavy, thick with pain.  
  
"Trowa..."  
  
  
  
//Don't you know  
I can't tell you how to make it go  
No matter what I do,how hard I try   
I can't seem to convince myself why   
I'm stuck on the outside// - **By Myself**  
  
  
Dear Duo,  
  
I don't know why I'm writing this but I am. You're  
in hospital right now after that stupid overdose.   
Why, Duo? Why? We were so worried about   
you - Quatre felt you fall when Heero found that   
empty bottle of pills. He was screaming that you   
hurt. And Heero - well, I've never seen anyone so   
horrified. There's a better word. Terrified. He   
was terrified for you. So were we all, but Heero...   
Heero the most. Wufei's been keeping him calm,   
you know, and he's pretty damned scared too,   
only his pride won't let him show it. Quatre can   
feel it though. Quatre knows. We all come see you   
all the time though, and the nurses all say you're   
asleep, but I know better. Why don't you want to   
speak to us? We're your friends Duo, we care.   
It hurts that you won't tell us what's wrong. Heero   
hurts the most I think. He's torturing himself over   
this. Please, Duo, talk to us.  
  
Trowa  
  
  
Trowa looked at his email, reading it over, blinking tears from his eyes.  
  
The mouse pointer hovered over 'Delete'.  
  
"He won't listen to us though, will he?"  
  
Quatre sniffed, wiping away tears with his sleeve. He looked absurdly childish, his arms wrapped   
tight around a stuffed toy camel.  
  
"Send it anyway. He's so lonely, Trowa..."  
  
Trowa clicked 'Send' before wrapping his lover in a warm, comforting hug, and letting the smaller   
blonde boy cry against him.  
  
  
  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
  
  
//The sound of your voice  
Painted on my memories  
Even if you're not with me  
I'm with you// - **With you**  
  
  
Duo read the email. He read it again. He read it yet again. He read it for the fourth time before   
shutting his eyes and letting himself cry.  
  
##Last cry,## he swore to himself, ##never let yourself cry again##  
  
"Nurse! Hey! Nurse! Doctor! Surgeon! ANY HOSPITAL PERSON Hell-OOO!" he bellowed,   
tears still streaking down his face. "HELLO! I WANT TO SEE MY FRIENDS NOW! Damn, when   
you don't want them there everywhere, and when you want them they've disappeared - HEY! IS   
THERE LIFE OUT THERE?!"  
  
  
//No matter how far we've come  
I can't wait to see tomorrow  
With you// - **With you**  
  
  
  
*~*Owari*~* 


End file.
